(P)Review: The Dumb Jousting Movie With The Kid From The Patriot

Here’s an excerpt from my second book of movie reviews, 21 Movies You’ve Probably Already Seen, Reviewed By Some Guy You Don’t Know, which will be available very soon. 

I’m not exactly sure how it happened. I’d just gotten off a 12 hour shift that ended at 11 a.m. I’d been awake for a few hours before I went to work, so I was tired. I could have just gone home and gone to bed, but I realized, “Hey, I could go see a movie! For cheap, since it’s early in the day!” There weren’t a lot of movies to choose from that I hadn’t already seen, so my sleep-deprived brain said, “Hey, why not go see The Dumb Jousting Movie With The Kid From The Patriot? It’s certainly not worth full price!” That seemed like solid logic, so I went to see the movie. The whole experience probably should have taught me an important lesson of some kind, but it didn’t.

Anyway, the basic story of The Dumb Jousting Movie With The Kid From The Patriot is that it’s medieval times and everybody loves jousting. Jousting in the movie is a lot like professional wrestling, only with horses. The Kid From The Patriot would like to joust, but you have to a nobleman to joust. Because jousting (like professional wrestling) is a sport for nobles, and The Kid From The Patriot is no noble. He’s just a poor thatcher’s son. In fact, he’s such a thatcher’s son that his last name is Thatcher. It’s hard to be more of a thatcher’s son than that.

With the help of Naked Geoffrey Chaucer and some forged papers our hero “Stone Cold” William Thatcher, shows that the common man can joust with the best of them. In addition to Naked Chaucer, The Kid From The Patriot joins forces with a couple of squires and a lady armorer with a sweet product placement deal with Nike, who help him hook up with a princess and win the championship belt. He even manages to befriend Edward “The Prince” Lawler along the way (or was that Man on the Moon?)

In reviewing a movie like this, there are three main questions that need to be answered.

1) Was it dumb?

Oh yeah. Joust fans sing “We Will Rock You.” Noblemen dance to David Bowie. Noble chicks tease and dye their hair just like the girls in your favorite 80s videos. The love theme is that tender ballad that first appeared in a little-known play by Shakespeare, but was immortalized by AC/DC. I’m talking, of course, about “You Shook Me All Night Long.” This is some dumb shit.

2) Was it a jousting movie?

Baby, if this ain’t a jousting movie, there’s no such thing as a jousting movie. Every other scene, there’s two guys on horses hitting each other with pointy sticks (or “tilting,” a term later corrupted when Leonardo da Vinci invented the pinball machine). Jousts, jousts, and more jousts. You know how Rocky is a boxing movie, well this movies just like that, only with jousting. This movie is to jousting what Over The Top was to arm wrestling.

3) Did it star The Kid From The Patriot?

Yes it did. He was in almost every scene.  

So, as far as dumb jousting movies with The Kid From The Patriot go, this one is

a solid winner.

But there are other questions to be asked, like:

1) Was it a good movie?

Did you read the first part of this review at all? Of course it wasn’t a good movie. The plot was completely paint-by-numbers, they used most of the budget on song rights, and did I mention that it’s a movie about jousting? The only really remarkable thing about this movie is its almost hubristic dumbness.

2) Did it Rock?

Hell yes it rocked. Did you miss the songs I mentioned earlier? The Kid (the one from The Patriot) even practiced jousting to “Lowrider” (originally written by The Venerable Bede). There was music! There was JOUSTING! It was like being at a Wrestlemania, only instead of wrestling, they JOUSTED! JOUSTOMANIA!! Off the top of my head, the only movie I can think of that rocks more than this movie is Labyrinth, because it had David Bowie and muppets. While this movie had a David Bowie song, that’s not as good as having the actual David Bowie. Also, there were no muppets in this movie (though the kid who played Young The Kid From The Patriot did look somewhat muppet-like). So pretty rocking, but certainly not Labyrinth rocking.

This all of course leads to the big question:

Should I see this movie?

Man, I don’t know. This is one of those things you’ve got to decide for yourself based on your mental state at the time of viewing. If you’re up for a dumb movie about jousting starring The Kid From The Patriot, this is definitely the movie to see. If you’re not, it’ll probably let you down.